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skip two beats and receive 20,000 in school loan debt

Nov. 10th, 2010 | 11:34 pm

everything's different now.
I have goals and shit.
like, becoming a clinical social worker, and helping people.
like, taking my fascination and empathy for abused people, and turning it into a profession.
it makes me so happy to think about, I get teary.
I can't fix myself, but I can help other people.
and let them know someone cares.
(sometimes it seems like nobody cares.)

I also have a boyfriend.
we live together, and it's very cozy.
I always do better with older men.

dear god, I just don't want a boring life.
no video games, no bullshit escapism, just REAL LIFE
unfortunately, my real life at the moment is almost brutal in its monotony.

everything is a means to the end.
and so on and so forth

Link | For thine is the kindom {1} broken jaws |

stop me if this feels familiar

Dec. 7th, 2009 | 12:24 am

it's funny how they only thing left are the songs we used to sing

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(no subject)

Nov. 8th, 2009 | 06:37 pm
distraction: ladytronz

i wonder what the romans thought about love and commitment

Link | For thine is the kindom |

rise up

Sep. 14th, 2009 | 01:48 am
distraction: daysleepers-threnody

you know what's weird?
I've found that people only care about you when you have something going on.
When you're caught up in what you're doing, venturing off into exciting things, that's when "friends" come out of the woodwork and suddenly "miss you."

It's like, 'where were you when my life was falling apart?'

it's some of my fault too.
I've got a degree in burning bridges, and the fire has consumed everything.

maybe I should hold people closer sometimes.

"a novelty seeker prone to discontent."

so I cast off those who would have been loyal to me for flashier folks.
ones who all eventually let me down.

this is the turning point.

i have to disown the shallow, selfish aspect of myself in order to emerge anew.
focus on others, instead of being the self-indulgent introvert of recent years.

I have much work to do.

Link | For thine is the kindom |

new edicts

Sep. 13th, 2009 | 02:00 am
distraction: hole-violet

-don't talk badly of anyone (publicly)
-eliminate "mhmm" "uh uh" and other garbage words/noises from vocabulary
-continue to cultivate fabulous new look
-never act unsure of yourself, always project self-assurance
-when weird guys at work make passes at you, shut them down directly but in a classy way
-pick your battles (no more temper tantrums)
-make eye contact often
-pay attention to your surroundings (don't be a ditz)
-don't take anything personally (it's never really about you anyway)
-continue getting over ex, try and cultivate faith in men/humanity
-never show intimidation
-research further about teaching english overseas
-get driver's license before birthday
-try to be ~fierce~ but approachable
-swear less
-try and avoid slipping into stoner speak

also, THIS x million

"i don’t know about you girls- but i wanna live a VERY full life, have lots of sex, make a lot of money (so i’m never at anyone elses whim), be happy, make a positive contribution to the world, surround myself with people i love and respect; who love and respect me- people who make me laugh/inspire me, and have friendships that are MUTUALLY rewarding emotionally! i want a boyfriend who makes me feel safe, encourages me in everything i do, is my best friend/sidekick, super sexy, and great in bed. no routines!

Link | For thine is the kindom |

i cut and i spear

Aug. 21st, 2009 | 03:47 am

i have an image in my head of this fierce lithe girl creature.
bold with colorful rags for clothes and a mission.

what sort of mission?

i couldn't tell you, and she probably never would.
(she has better sense than I to go blabbing her secrets to strangers.)

there's no one with her, and she covers more distance on her own.
she knows this, and seeks no companions.

so, it is odd i stumbled across this, for it it exactly how I pictured her.
and i'm sure the person whose head she holds had it coming.

she's not unhinged, just conscious of her power.
and she will not tolerate defilement.


Link | For thine is the kindom {1} broken jaws |

cut and dried for mass distribution

Jul. 5th, 2007 | 12:46 am
distraction: fugazi/the kill

hope and bitterness push each other back and forth like competetive siblings.
mama can't take much more.

i think i need a _startover.

that light bouncing off the tops of the trees?

i'm running after it

Link | For thine is the kindom {1} broken jaws |


May. 20th, 2007 | 07:22 pm
distraction: i shot andy warhol

some wish for perspective; I just want my own POV back.
(did I ever have one?)
i'm sick of (in every situation) being the dual participant and security camera to my actions.

that's what's up.

Link | For thine is the kindom {1} broken jaws |

laugh lines on our faces, scale maps of the ocean floor

Jan. 2nd, 2007 | 12:42 am

It feels like someone has scraped out my brains and is using my skull as a cereal bowl.

new years was memorable, for far too many reasons.
in the overpass with lizzz and zach and others.
stoned, making fun of dick clark on tv.
chinese food.
not in that order.

haha i'm going surfing this summer.
I am the most un-beach bum looking person ever.

I really should be reading the 1-14 chapters of the Grapes of Wrath that's due in 9 hours.

oh well.

tomorrow I get to see my ginger kid of choice, so I'm pretty complacent.
and soon...high on amphetamines, the moon is a lightbulb breaking

I think I romanticize my bullshit so it'll feel less lame in retrospect.
I'm sorry, but you probably do it too.

Link | For thine is the kindom {2} broken jaws |

No wonder I can never write a coherent paper, this is my train of thought

Dec. 27th, 2006 | 12:52 am
mood: i am a strawdog of emotion

Humans live in a perpetually undignified state.
We shit, puke, flake off, decay, die.
So we enjoy beauty because it seems to defy these laws of nature.
Poreless, sublime faces stare accusingly from every magazine.
A memento mori for the 21st century.
While Photoshopping becomes a yesteryear aesthete's best friend.

This vision. This intangible concept that makes its home in your skull is given form.
Which is why we love gawking at supermodels.
Because, through them, we catch a furtive glance of God.
maybe God is the wrong word. semantics, so forth.
Through them we molest the metaphysical.

We're uplifted.
however, reflecting further, one starts to feel dissatisfied.
and this image becomes empty of its erstwhile meaning.
I propose this feeling comes as a natural consequence of the previously mentioned high.
This comedown could be summarized as "God is dead and so am I."
the realization that "yes, I enjoy staring at these idealized images but they are as finite as myself."
And I am kind of saying supermodels are the new gods.
if you listen to the Christian Right, they'll bitch on about secular society's fixation on sex (but we've always been obsessed, we've just never been this blatant at any other point in history).
Therefore: God(Symbol of immortality)=Beauty
Beauty=Sex Sex=Reproduction Reproduction=shitty form of immortality
The realization that seeming perfection can't overcome death=bummer?
along with the epiphany:
male:(most likely) never impregnating a supermodel
female: will never look like a supermodel
both: denied their shoddy immortality?

Hence, along with the fondling of the metaphysical, one gets excited about beauty because one wants to couple with it (and through subsequent offspring) become immortal.
Because beauty is attractive and the sole reason for this attractability is to find a mate,
and reproduction with this mate is a human being's only tangible way to become immortal.
To pass your genes and its defects off to another generation.
it's like inanimate reincarnation.
Granted, one can achieve a kind of immortality by making a name for themself while alive but that immortality is dependent upon persons living and inherently dodgy nostalgia.
if no one remembers you, you never existed sort of thing.
then again, your offspring could be looked upon as finite as peoples' memories so this could really go either way.

hopefully that made sense.
if not, I give you scenario.

*teacher reads my paper*
TEACHER: I know what you mean but you write schizophrenically.

in a few years, they'll call me avant-garde.
and they would be wrong, I'm just nonsensical.

Link | For thine is the kindom {2} broken jaws |